Transcript

Hi, my name is Simon Lovell. You’re probably wondering, how is this man qualified to do what we’re about to do? I look so sweet, so charming, and so innocent. So then what would you expect a con man to look like? Hey, we’re like ghosts. We drift in and out of society. Part of my background? Yes, I was allegedly a professional con man for 15 years, and then because a judge told me not to do it anymore, I had to become an actor and a writer and of course play bad guys, and wrote the books like How to Cheat at Everything.

I advise you to read the book. It will teach you just how a con man thinks. I’ve written a new book, which is coming out based around this series of bar bets, which sounds like nothing, but you could make a lot of money from them. Look at how much you spend on your drinks for a year and think if you got them for free. It’d be darn cool, huh? Actually, I get most things for free, but that’s just the way I am.

I also write advice and occasionally act on the hit USA television show White Collar about a con man. Well, there’s a surprise. One of my favorite shows I did was for CBC in Canada, called Won’t Get Fooled Again where we did real con games on real people in the street, hidden cameras, no setups, and we had some fantastic experiences with that.

So to find out more about how to cheat at everything, and after you’ve done your little Ph.D course here, look up my book, How to Cheat at Everything. You can find it on Amazon.com. I believe it’s quite expensive. You can also get it in your Kindle, technological stuff. Look out for the new book coming out, Betcha, which it’s called, and also of course please, for our figures check out White Collar. It’s a great story about the FBI and a con man combining, which is a bit like me except without the FBI, because I’m just the con man.

Transcript

Simon: Here’s a bet that I’m going to set up for you and you’re going to love it. I’m just going to ask my camera guys here for one favor. Can you get me a pint glass from behind the bar? It’s not that we need it for the bet. It’s just I like to have a pint glass handy. Thank you, sir. There’s the 4 ball.

Woman: OK.

Simon: I’m going to put the 12 ball right there, and then I’m going to put the cue ball right there. Now here’s your bet. Do this on your boy, because he’ll hate you for it, but you’ll win a lot of money. All you’ve got to do is pocket the 4 ball, without touching the 12 ball. That cue ball can’t touch the 12 ball, and you’ve got to pocket the 4 ball.

Woman: OK.

Simon: Do you think you can do it?

Woman: Maybe.

Simon: I doubt it. It’s an impossible shot. Nobody in history has ever made this shot except for me. No, you have to hit the cue ball.

Woman: You didn’t say that.

Simon: Yeah, I did. Give me the other little puppy right there, my darling. All rightey.

Woman: You’ve talked me too much about wordplay.

Simon: I’m trying and that’s what I love about you. So now you’ve got to pocket it without being twitchy or frisky here. You’ve got to hit the cue ball and you’ve got to pocket the red ball without hitting the 12 ball. Trust me, there’s no way it can be done.

Woman: Yeah.

Man: Yeah. It can’t be done, right?

Woman: No.

Simon: I’ll teach you how to make Peter lose money, here. I can tell you how to pocket that red ball without touching the 12 ball. That little purplish stripy ball.

Woman: Tell me.

Simon: Pint glass.

Woman: Oh, that’s why you asked for it.

Simon: Yeah. I put it over the ball. And now all you do, the cue ball never hit the purple striped, and I think that’s worth a hug, don’t you?

Woman: I guess so.

Transcript

Simon: Do you play pool at all?

Woman: Barely.

Simon: Well, look. Do you see that ball over there?

Woman: Which one?

Man: That little 4 ball.

Woman: Yes.

Simon: It’s right over the pocket.

Woman: OK.

Simon: I am going to move it just a little bit, because I trust that you’re a good pool player, and I’m going to put it just there. It’s still an easy shot. I’m going to bet you, because I think you’re a dizzy little girl, that you can’t turn round three times with your eyes closed, and make that shot. I think you’ll get too dizzy.

Woman: Okay, all right. I’ll give it a shot.

Simon: This is one, you’ve got to do this one on Peter. It’s great. So you have to close your eyes. I’ll hold the stick for you so that you don’t get too panicky. You turn around three times with your eyes closed and promise your eyes are closed.

Woman: OK.

Simon: And you have to make the shot.

Woman: All right.

Simon: It’s an easy shot.

Woman: OK.

Simon: Any rank amateur could make that shot. I’m going to bet you can’t.

Woman: I’ll give it a go.

Simon: You ready?

Woman: Yeah.

Simon: Close your eyes. Turn around three times.

Woman: OK.

Simon: Now make the shot.

Woman: Okay, where’s the…?

Simon: No, you can open your eyes to make the shot.

Woman: Oh, okay great.

Simon: Great.

Woman: I’m such a bad pool player.

Simon: This is the cue ball here.

Woman: Yeah, see? This is… I wasn’t kidding when I said I was a bad pool player.

Simon: It’s not that. While you were turning round, I was licking my thumb, and I was wetting the tip. I was actually quite impressed by the fact that you kept the cue ball on the table. Most people would just pounce it straight up the table.

Woman: I’m surprised.

Simon: But it was nothing to do with your ability. It was all to do with my shenanigans.

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Woman: So I need a favor.

Simon: What’s that, my darling?

Woman: Can you teach me some pool bets to show off to Pete?

Simon: Well, and Peter shoots a pretty good stick, right?

Woman: Yes, and I do not.

Simon: Yeah, and a lot of people don’t play pool.

Woman: I’m one of them.

Simon: But I can teach you how to beat him at the pool table. Here’s a great bet. Give me that little blue ball there. Just pop it down on the table here. I caught it. Lay your stick across the table.

Woman: Okay.

Simon: Like this. I’m willing to bet you, and this is what you say to him, that I can roll that pool ball under the stick and it’ll go dead under the stick, and it won’t touch it.

Woman: No, show me.

Simon: You want to know?

Woman: I do.

Simon: You aren’t going to pony up a drink for this, of course.

Woman: Maybe, let’s see the trick first, all right?

Simon: No, you pony up the drink first.

Woman: Okay, you’ve got a deal.

Simon: I promise you I can do it. The stick is right across the table. There is no way that ball can go under the stick, but that’s not what I bet you is it? It’s all about the words. I said I can roll the ball under the stick without it touching it. I didn’t say the ball had to stay on the table. So I take the ball and I roll it under the table.

Woman: And now you’ve got yourself a free drink.

Simon: And now there’s a free drink for you. The ball went under the stick. I just didn’t say it would be on the table.

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Simon: Now, wee darling.

Woman: Yes.

Simon: You’ve lost a lot of money tonight.

Woman: I have. It’s been a long day.

Simon: So I’m going to give you a 50/50 bet.

Woman: Okay.

Simon: Just so you know, I can lose and you can win.

Woman: Okay.

Simon: I’m going to take a little book of matches here. I’m going to put one match there and then I’m going to put one match on the other side. So it looks like a little go-cart thing.

Woman: Yeah, a little alien.

Simon: Yeah. A little alien thing, yeah. And then I’m going to stick another match between those two matches, like that. Now here’s our little 50/50 bet. And there’s no way I can affect this, because you know I can’t affect the laws of physics. I’m going to let you light that match in the middle.

Woman: Okay.

Simon: Like, right there.

Woman: Okay.

Simon: And I’ll give you another match to do it with and here’s our bet. You have to bet which side is going to set fire to the other match first. You can have left or right, I don’t mind.

Woman: Okay, I’m going to say left.

Simon: So you’re going for this left or that left?

Woman: Yeah, this left.

Simon: That left. Okay, so stage left.

Woman: Yes.

Simon: So I’ll light this match.

Woman: Now in the middle here?

Simon: Yeah, and I’ll bet you I’ll win. Even though I gave you a completely free choice, okay? You can pull it away now. It’s on . Oh, look what a shame. It pounced out.

Woman: Is that what usually happens?

Simon: It’s what always happens, darling.

Woman: Always happens? How’s come?

Simon: Do you think I would give you a chance to win?

Woman: No, I don’t know.

Simon: It’s because you burned the middle of it and it was springy, so it goes off. And that, after you’ve given me all of your money, you walk down the road with your shopping cart going, “Oh, I’ve got to go and collect some more bottles to make some more money and bet Simon something.”

Transcript

Simon: Jillian, you know I’m a little frisky, don’t you?

Jillian: Yes, I’ve gathered.

Simon: Well, my little kid, you know Sydney, showed me the greatest thing the other day. He took one of my $20, and by the way he took the $20 afterwards, because he said he could stretch out a dollar bill or a $20 bill in this case, like that and balance a quarter on the edge of it. Let’s see if you can do it, Peter. All you’ve got to do is stretch out that bill between your fingers and balance the quarter on the edge of the dollar. Now, you can’t put it down on the bar like that and say “Hey, it’s balanced.” It’s got to be standing up, a little caveat there. There’s always caveats.
You do realize Peter is going to fail miserably at this.

Peter: I’m not.

Simon: You think you can do it? If you can, I’ll be totally… Yeah, you were really close, buddy.

Peter: Something like this?

Simon: No, that’s bent, you’ve got to stretch it out.

Peter: I’ll try one more time.

Simon: Third time’s a charm. Oh, indeed, not.

Jillian: Yeah.

Peter: I can’t do it.

Jillian: Yeah, I have no idea.

Simon: You want to bet me twenty bucks I can do it?

Peter: Yeah, I’ll bet you twenty bucks.

Jillian: Just keep it, show us.

Simon: I’m currently looking for a new house in Forest Hills off you. Do you realize that? Here’s what you do. Now remember I said it had to be stretched straight out? I didn’t say it had to start stretched out. So you take a nice, crisper bill, very important it’s a crisp one and you bend it in half. You’ve got a nice crease in it. Don’t worry, it gets better.

Jillian: Okay.

Simon: Then you balance the quarter.

Peter: Oh, I was close.

Jillian: Yeah.

Simon: Yeah, but I said it had to be stretched out straight. Now if you’re really slow and steady and stretch out that bill, and the quarter will land on it and that’s all you have to do. The quarter adjusts itself…

Peter: Wow, look there.

Simon: … as you stretch the bill. Now that bill’s stretched straight, I’ve won the bet, right?

Jillian: Yep.

Simon: Thanks.

Jillian: We’ll keep the quarter.

Simon: I like to give. You know, I’m a giver.

Jillian: I can tell that about you.

Simon: I take the twenty. You take the quarter and my friends at home there watching this will take the bet and make a ton of money, so it’s a win-win! Well, apart from you guys, who are $19.75 down, but you know in life there are winners and losers my friends, and you and I are the winners.

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Simon: Now Jillian is pretty smart, right?

Peter: She is pretty smart.

Simon: How literate do you think she is?

Peter: Oh, very.

Simon: Do you know she could learn 50 words in under one sentence and none of those words will have the letter A in them?

Peter: Oh, all right.

Simon: That’s a very commonly used letter. I don’t know if you could even name 50 words with an A in them with it gone, vanished.

Peter: Or 50 words in general.

Simon: Table, you know. They have to be all real words, no letter A in them.

Peter: Wow. That’s pretty tough.

Simon: I can teach Jillian how to do that with one sentence whispered in her ear.

Jillian: Really?

Simon: And don’t worry. It won’t be a rude or naughty sentence. All words you’ll know. No letter A in any of the 50 words. In fact if you want to up the bet, my friend?

Peter: Oh, I knew it was coming. All right.

Simon: Let’s make it 99 words.

Peter: 99 words.

Gillian: Wow.

Simon: Ninety-nine words without the letter A in. One sentence whispered in Jillian’s ear and then you owe me 20 bucks.

Jillian: All right, let’s hear it.

Simon: Are you ready?

Peter: I’m ready.

Simon: You’re going to take the bet?

Peter: I’ll take it.

Simon: 20 bucks. It should be out on the table as you know, but I trust you.

Peter: Okay.

Simon: Because you’ve always ponied up before. [Whispers one to ninety-nine]. Jillian is now about to do 99 words…

Peter: All right.

Simon: … without the letter A in. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome along to tonight’s game show where Jillian has taken on the challenge of doing 99 words without the letter A in them. This will be sensational and thankfully the TV show isn’t ponying up the money. Peter is ponying up 20 bucks…

Peter: All right, let’s hear it.

Simon: … for Jillian to achieve this. Jillian, take it away. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

Jillian: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six…

Peter: Ah, all the way to ninety-nine.

Simon: I think he’s got the point. No letter A in any of those words, my friends. Have fun with words.

Transcript

Simon: Do you know sometimes guys when I’m at the bar and I like to do my bets. You know I do those little funny prop bets and things, when I’ve got the matches and the glasses and sometimes I don’t have anything. But I still like to win a drink or two.

Jillian: Okay

Simon: So let me try a couple on you that are just based around you listening to me.

Peter: Okay.

Jillian: Sounds good.

Peter: Sounds easy.

Simon: You’re good at that. He’s not so good. Peter, I can bet you that I can hypnotize you.

Peter: All right.

Simon: I’ve been taking a course.

Peter: Oh, okay.

Simon: So that you can’t count from ten to one backwards.

Peter: Ten to one backwards.

Simon: Yeah.

Peter: It sounds pretty easy.

Simon: Sounds easy doesn’t it? I will snap my fingers, you’ll be hypnotized.

Peter: Okay.

Simon: And you can’t feel it.

Peter: Alright, we’ll see. Okay so, I’m gonna start counting. 10, 9, 8, 7,6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Simon: You think you did brilliantly, didn’t you?

Peter: Nothing wrong with that.

Simon: You owe me a beer.

Peter: What did I mess up?

Simon: Ten to one backwards is 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Oops-a-daisy.

Peter: Oops-a-daisy.

Simon: You didn’t listen to the words. With every bar bet you’ve got to listen to the words.

A: Yeah.

Transcript

Simon: Peter, my friend. I notice you’ve a pack of cigarettes in front of you.

Peter: Yeah.

Simon: I know we’re not supposed to smoke in New York City here. You know, they took that pleasure away from us, Jillian. Now we have to go out into the freezing cold or the blazing sun. And people in the street going by us going, “Oh you, bad smoking people, you.” To which I say, you threw us out of the bar, not my problem. But here’s the deal. I’ve got… You don’t mind if I steal one of your cigarettes do you?

Peter: No, go for it.

Simon: Great. Little betcha for you. You knew that was coming up didn’t you, Jillian?

Jillian: Of course.

Simon: Peter, I’m prepared to bet you, just for people in the street and because I’m not really supposed to smoke in here. That I could light that cigarette, take three full draws off the cigarette, have no ash at the end of cigarette and leave it exactly the same length, as it started.

Peter: That’s defying physics.

Simon: Well, that’s what I like to do. Einstein is a soul mate of mine, because after all he defied physics, did he not? Do you want to take the bet? For a drink, of course.

Peter: I’ll never turn down a drink. Let’s do it.

Simon: Well, if I can’t do it, you get a drink.

Peter: Of course.

Simon: He’s never won a drink off me, yet. He lives in hope.

Peter: One day.

Simon: It’s not going to happen. Here’s how you do it. You light the match? Now remember the bet. The bet is, no ash on the end, and the cigarette stays the same length. SoI light the cigarette in the middle.

Jillian: One, two.

Peter: Three.

Jillian: I thought maybe it’d break.

Peter: Still intact.

Simon: Still intact. Still the same length. No ash on the end, and I’m just about to get banned from this bar, so I’d better put it out.

Peter: Very impressive.

Simon: That’s how you can light a cigarette and not take any end off it. Oh, Gina, drink please.

Transcript

Simon: Peter, my friend.

Peter: Yes.

Simon: Lovely to see you back at the bar.

Peter: Of course.

Simon: Do you know what I’ve been noticing about you just lately?

Peter: How handsome I am?

Simon: I actually have beautiful Jillian.

Peter: Okay, touche.

Simon: You do look tough. You look like a man of action. You look like a man who can stand pain.

Peter: Yeah, I can.

Simon: This is odd, Jillian. Do you know, I did a show for some special forces people.

Jillian: Okay.

Simon: Yeah. They’re very interesting, if somewhat sociopathic, strange people. But they had these tests where you can stand pain and the more you can stand the pain the better it is. Here’s one of the tests they did. They would take a match and do a test. They’d light the match and hold it upside down and see how many seconds they could hold it for counting.

You know, one, two, three, four, five. They taught me the special forces technique for holding the match. They’d hold the match upside down and the flame flickering around their fingers and they had to count, one, two, three. The longer they could hold the match the better their score was. Peter, you look like a tough guy.

Peter: Yeah.

Simon: You look like a violent, strange man. I’m going to ask you to light a match and then there’s no trick on this one, I promise.

Jillian: OK.

Simon: I know I’ve tricked you guys before. No trick on it. You hold it upside down, you count. I don’t want you to burn yourself. When you’re feeling a little burnt, please blow out the match and drop it.

Peter: Okay.

Simon: I don’t want you to hurt yourself, but I’m prepared to bet you that however long you can hold it, I can hold it four times longer than you can. I’m talking a lit match. No gloves. No tricks. Just a lit match.

Peter: All right, I’ll try it.

Simon: You do realize, of course, it’s going to cost you five bucks.

Peter: Five drinks.

Simon: A drink is five bucks, so five bucks or a drink. There you go, my friend.

Peter: All right.

Simon: Just normal matches.

Jillian: Be careful.

Simon: I’m not going to mess you up, but please don’t hurt yourself.

Peter: All right. Here we go.

A: Children at home, by the way if you are going to try this, don’t do this at home. Wait until you get to school. They’ve got nurses there.

Jillian: Yeah.

Peter: Here we go.

Simon: There you go. Holding it upside down. One, two.

Peter: I couldn’t do it.

Simon: You got to two.

Peter: That was hard. Yeah, two.

Simon: Nicely done there. A count of two.

Peter: It’s hard.

Simon: How about if I can get to a count of twenty?

Peter: I mean, I’d love to see it. I don’t believe it.

Jillian: Yeah.

Peter: Twenty seconds? I could barely do…

Simon: Gina, get ready at the bar there for more drinks down here, darling. I didn’t say you had to hold it still. Here’s the secret. You circle your hand. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, 11, 12, 13… I think I made my point.

Peter: Yeah. You got me.

Simon: And that’s how you win a match bet with just a little bit of circular logic.

Transcript

Simon: Nice to see you back. Just the once, I’m not going to try to take money off of you, yet.

Jillian: Okay.

Peter: Nice.

Simon: You know, Jillian, because I like you.

Jillian: Thanks.

Simon: You’re a lovely lady. So I thought I’d teach you a little bet. How’s that?

Jillian: Okay.

Simon: And I’m not going to even charge you for it. I’ll just teach you the bet.

Jillian: All right.

Simon: I’m going to take a dollar. I mean do you have a dollar you can put down as well?

Jillian: Let’s see. I think I have one here.

Simon: Okay, and a dollar doesn’t really count as a bet, does it ? I mean that’s just a dollar.

Peter: Right.

Simon: But you can do this.

Jillian: Okay.

Simon: You’re going to win that dollar.

Jillian: All right.

Simon: I’m going to hold up a crisp, frisky little dollar for you.

Jillian: Okay.

Simon: And I want you to put two fingers around it. You can’t touch the bill, but you can get as close as you can.

Jillian: Just like this?

Simon: No, no. Just one hand.

Jillian: Just one hand.

Simon: She’s going mad. There you go. I’m going to drop the bill. All you’ve got to do is catch it. You can get your fingers a little closer, if you’d like. Just don’t touch the bill. Are you ready? You see. You can’t do it. Oh, you see. You can’t do it. Do you want to try?

Peter: Yes.

Simon: Do you have a dollar?

Peter: I’ve got a ten.

Simon: Okay. Put your ten down there. We’ll leave this dollar bet for a moment, and then I’ll bet you the ten and something else. How’s that?

Gillian: Of course he will.

Peter: Okay.

Simon: You know me.

Peter: All right.

Simon: Are you ready?

Peter: Yes. Aww. I just missed it.

Simon: It’s all about hand-eye coordination, my friends. Nobody can win that bet.

Jillian: Really?

Simon: Anyway, so as much as I hate to take your dollar, I’m going to. I’m going to give you the bet for the ten, just so you feel better.

Jillian: Okay.

Simon: I think I’ve got a ten down here somewhere. Yeah, plenty of money. I’ll screw it up. I want you to screw up your ten and put it right next to mine.

Peter: So crumble it up?

Simon: Yes, indeed, sir. Let’s see his strength. Is he a strong boy?

Peter: I am.

Simon: Wow,go tiger. This is the update on the bet. This is the greatest bet of them all. I was taught this by some Russian wrestlers. I know that sounds kind of very strange, doesn’t it?

Jillian: A little.

Simon: But you know when you’re hanging out in a bar in Vegas…

Jillian: True.

Simon: Heck, you meet Russian wrestlers.

Gillian: You never know.

Simon: Here’s the bet. Two ten dollar bills, my friend. You hold your hand six inches above the bills.

Peter: Okay.

Simon: I’ll hold my hand six inches away from the bills. There’s two stages to this bet. It’s a good bet. You can’t move til I move. First person to snatch the bills, wins the money.

Peter: Okay, I’m ready.

Simon: Well, obviously. We were both the same distance away, so that was easy. Let’s make it so you can really win. You want to pony up fifty bucks?

Peter: That’s a lot of money.

Simon: Let’s see if you accept the bet. Hold your hand six inches above the bills. I’ll hold my hand up here. Rules are the same. All you have to do is not move til I move.

Peter: All right.

Simon: So, for fifty bucks. You’re ready to bet?

Peter: I’m ready.

Simon: You see? It’s all about hand-eye coordination. By the time you see my hand move…

Peter: You’re already halfway there.

Simon: It’s gone to your brain. Your brain’s going, “Well, in your case, it’s going mmmm, and by the time your hand gets to drop…”

Jillian: You got it.

Simon: It’s already done. And that, my friends, is how you do the grab and snatch.

Simon: You look stronger than him.

Jillian: Okay.

Peter: She can be.

Simon: Do you think you’ve got the muscles for a little strength trick?

Jillian: Oh, yeah.

Simon: Okay,this is great. Got a little cocktail napkin here.

Jillian: Okay.

Simon: Don’t worry. It doesn’t feel pain.

Jillian: Okay.

Simon: I’m going to do a little rip here. Rippy, rippy, rippy, rippy, rippy. Just a little bit, because I don’t think you’re as strong as you think you are. So I’m going to try to make as easy as possible for you.

Jillian: Okay.

Simon: And I’m going to do this on this side. It’s fascinating, isn’t it, Peter? I can see you’re just absolutely enthralled already.

Peter: Oh yeah, can’t wait to see what happens.

Simon: Leaving just the smidgiest little bit on each side.

Jillian: Okay.

Simon: And Jillian, here’s the deal. Very simple bet that’s going to cost your boy another drink.

Peter: All right.

Jillian: Thanks, babe.

Simon: That’s why you go out with him. He’s not good looking, but he’s rich.

Jillian: Hey.

Peter: How can you say no to her?

Simon: I could never say no to her. Unless there’s money involved. Here’s what we have to do, my darling. Hold one side in one hand.

Jillian: Okay.

Simon: One side in the other hand. Two sniggly little diamond bits of tissue left and all you have to do when I say go is rip it into three pieces.

Jillian: Okay.

Simon: Do you think you can do it?

Jillian: I think so. Pretty confident.

Peter: She can do it.

Simon: You go, girl. Here we go. Just two little folds.

Jillian: Okay.

Simon: And that center piece will drop down and if you can’t do it. . .

Peter: You get the money.

Simon: You’re out a couple of bucks. This is just a teaser bet. I’ll only charge you a couple of bucks for this one and then we might up it a bit, by a lot. Ready?

Jillian: Yeah.

Simon: Go. Can’t be done.

Jillian: Really?

Simon: Nobody in the history of this planet could achieve that, because you can’t get an even pull. However, you’re down two bucks, right?

Peter: Yeah.

Simon: Yeah. However, I think that I could bet you that I can do it, but I’m going to want more than two bucks.

Peter: Of course, here we go.

Simon: I’m going to want twenty bucks.

Peter: Twenty bucks, for ripping paper?

Simon: You just saw your beautiful lady fail, and I hate to say it, miserably on doing it. I’ve already told you it’s impossible. I’ll show you two ways to do it. There you go, little snaggles of paper. Just as before, I’ll hold them just like this and I’ll rip it into three pieces. You can have a few more go’s, if you like, but you’re not going to do it.

Peter: All right, let’s see you do it.

Simon: Twenty bucks, to see how it’s done.

Jillian: All right. You’re on.

Simon: You’re going to hate me.

Jillian: Uh-oh.

Simon: You see, I hold onto the two end pieces with my fingers and then I grab with my mouth.

Jillian: Ah.

Peter: Ah.

Simon: And that’s the only way you can rip it–those napkins are tasty–into three pieces.

Transcript

Simon:Back again?

Gillian:Yep.

Peter:Back again.

Simon:For some more fun, my friends. I do have a good one for you. The great thing about learning all these bets, Gillian, is of course that you go off . . . I know you would never do this to your friends, but Gillian has been renowned to be wandering around New York City bars, taking money off people. She’s sneaky.

Peter:Just as much as you are.

Simon:Of course I’m sneaky, but I’m not as pretty; although some would say otherwise. My friends, here’s a great bet for you. Gillian, this was a science puzzle that was put to me once.

Gillian:Okay.

Simon:What would you say would be bigger: Would it be the circumference of the glass, which 2?r . . . just letting you know I know a bit of math; or the height of the glass to the table? It’s quite a long way around there. What would you say would be bigger?

Gillian:I’m going to say the circumference.

Simon:Good answer.

Gillian:Yeah?

Simon:See? She’s very smart.

Peter:She is.

Simon:Let’s say I’ve got some bar napkins here.

Gillian:Okay.

Simon:Which, coincidentally, I do, and I popped the bar napkins under the glass. Now the little bet here is, what’s bigger?

Gillian:Which one?

Simon:The circumference, or the height, all the way to the table? It’s getting close, isn’t it?

Gillian:Yeah.

Simon:It’s getting close.

Gillian:I’m still going to say circumference.

Simon:I like you. That’s why I’m going to add some more napkins. Look at his face. He’s thinking, “It’s the height.”

Peter:It’s got to be.

Simon:Circumference, or to the table? I like the way she’s checking.

Gillian:I don’t know. It’s about even.

Simon:It’s getting close, right?

Gillian:Yeah.

Simon:Do you want to bet on it if I make it better for you?

Gillian:’If you make it better’, what does that mean?

Simon:How about I add some napkins?

Gillian:Okay. I’m going to say the height.

Simon:You’re going to say the height?

Gillian:Yeah.

Simon:How much you going to bet me?

Gillian:A drink?

Simon:A drink? I normally go for more than a drink on this one. How about I add some more napkins?

Gillian:Okay.

Simon:Now what are you going to bet me?

Gillian:A couple of drinks?

Simon:$20.

Gillian:Okay.

Simon:$20.

Gillian:Call it a deal.

Simon:You know it’s coming out of your wallet?

Peter:Yeah, where else?

Simon:Peter? How about I add some more napkins?

Peter:I don’t know.

Simon:Do you want to hold onto that for me? Will you, darling?

Gillian:Of course.

Simon:Now what are you going to bet me?

Peter:It’s got to be the height.

Simon:You’re going to go for the height. How much are you going to bet me on that? I just added another bundle of napkins.

Peter:$20.02.

Simon:No, it was $20. You’ve got to go for a bit more than that.

Peter:All right.

Simon:I’ll tell you what I’ll do; I’ll be kind to you. Let’s add some more napkins still, onto it. I’ve just ponied up another 20-odd napkins there, so you’ve got to pony up another $20, surely.

Peter:Another $20?

Simon:$40. The little baby circumference against that entire height.

Gillian:All right. Let’s do it.

Simon:$40? My friends, I have some string here that we can measure it with. This isn’t stretchy string or anything, I promise you. You can check it out. I’ll even let you measure it yourself. Guys at home, learn a lesson about math. There is the circumference.

Gillian:Okay.

Simon:Actually, it may even be slightly less than the circumference, if you noticed.

Peter:Because there’s a right down there.

Simon:There. . .

Peter:Whoa.

Simon:. . . is the height. Kids, you should study math at school. It can make you a lot of money in later life, if you become a devious person like me. Take the napkins home to wipe off your tears . . .

Peter:Thanks, Simon.

Simon:. . . of exasperation, my friend.

Peter:I will do that.

Simon:But not before you buy me my $40 worth of drinks.

Peter:You’re right.

Simon:Friends, that’s circular logic.

Transcript

Male 1:Good grief. You two are back at the bar again.

Male 2:Couldn’t get enough.

Gillian:We’re going to get you.

Male 1:You’ve come back to get me, have you? I’ve got a perfect bet for you. Fantastic bet. Did you study science as a child, Gillian?

Gillian:A little bit.

Male 1:A little bit? You know ‘=MC2 squared and stuff like that?

Gillian:Sure.

Male 1:And the Pythagoracy theorem and triangles, and things?

Gillian:Pythagoras, yeah.

Male 1:You know that a paperclip is unlikely to float on water?

Gillian:Right.

Male 1:However, my little frisky friend who’s here to take me for money, and that’s going to happen.

Male 2:It will.

Male 1:It’s more likely I’m going to take your woman, by the way. You do know that? Have you realized over . . .

Gillian:Boys, boys, boys.

Male 1:. . . the course of these events how she’s falling

Gillian:Go back to the paperclip.

Male 1:. . . so madly in love with me?

Male 2:I’m drawing the line here.

Male 1:She’s falling madly in love with me, again, dreaming, and going, “Oh, crikey.” Back to the paperclip. I’m going to bet you a drink, of course, that I can make a paperclip float on the surface of that water. Do you want to try one yourself? If that floats, I’ll buy you a drink.

Gillian:You want to do it, or something?

Male 2:I don’t know. Maybe it has . . .

Male 1:No, no, It has to be exactly as it is.

Male 2:Okay.

Male 1:You can’t be fiddling and . . .

Gillian:It’s got to be a trick.

Male 2:Yeah. It’s got to be something. It’s kind of floating right now.

Male 1:Yeah, but you’re still holding onto . . .

Male 2:It floated for a second.

Male 1:It was so close.

Male 2:It floated for 1 second, so that’s right.

Gillian:All right. Go ahead. Make a paperclip float.

Male 1:She’s very demanding, isn’t she?

Male 2:To business.

Male 1:Okay. Here’s the deal. You’ll do this on all of your friends tomorrow. You take 2 paperclips to make one float. What you do is you take one paperclip and you bend it into a little shape like that.

Male 2:Okay.

Male 1:Remember, I said the paperclip had to be intact, that floats. This is all about the surface tension of the water. Then you take another paperclip . . . this is a little Bill Nye science experiment guy thing. You balance it on the little T-shape there. You just plunk it into the water.

Male 2:Wow.

Gillian:Wow.

Male 1:The paperclip floats. The little bit of the paperclip won’t break the surface tension, your fingertips will, every time.

Male 2:Wow.

Male 1:That, my friends, is how you float a paperclip on a bit of water.

Male 2:And beat science.

Male 1:And beat you out of another drink.

Male 2:Again.

Transcript

Simon: Jillian?

Jillian: Yes?

Simon: Your boy looks like a drinking guy.

Jillian: I would say so.

Simon: Is he a bit of a. . .?

Peter: You’re pretty right. I am.

Simon: Yeah, you’re one of those guys that gets up in the morning and reaches under the bed for a beer, aren’t you?

Peter: I can never say no to a beer.

Simon: Thought so. How about a shot, then?

Peter: Can’t say no to a shot.

Simon: Can you knock them back quick?

Peter: Depends, maybe.

Simon: Pretty quick?

Jillian: Depends on the shot.

Peter: Yeah, it depends on the shot.

Simon: We did bring up your favorites here. We’ve got three shots and I’ve got three pints of beer.

Peter: Uh-oh.

Simon: A little betcha coming up. Did you guess?

Jillian: Of course.

Peter: Yeah, it was coming up.

Simon: You knew, didn’t you, Jillian? She’s very smart.

Peter: Smart cookie.

Simon: Unlike you, who would ride on the little yellow bus. Here’s our little betcha. I’m prepared to bet you I can drink those three pints of beer before you can drink those three shots.

Peter: You can’t do it. You can’t do it.

Simon: There is one caveat to the bet.

Peter: Of course.

Simon: You knew that was coming.

Peter: Yeah.

Simon: But it’s a simple one, because I don’t want you to say to Jillian, “Hey, grab one of his beers and run away and hide it,” because this isn’t a game of hide and go seek.

Peter: You stole my plan.

Simon: This is a game of speed, my friend. This is a game of speed. The only rule is, you’re not allowed to touch the other player’s glasses. You can’t touch mine, I can’t touch yours. That’s a fair thing, right?

Peter: Right, right, yeah.

Jillian: Seems fair.

Simon: By the way, of course If I win, you pay for all the drinks.

Peter: All of these?

Simon: Yeah, but if you win, look at those little tiny shot glasses. What about the children, the baby children? Little tiny shot glasses against these three pints of beer. If I lose, I pay for all the drinks and I buy Jillian’s drinks all night.

Jillian: I like that idea.

Peter: Yeah.

Simon: Yeah? Ready to go for it, my friend?

Peter: I’ll try it.

Simon: Here’s the deal, my friends at home, this is all about how you set up the bet. It’s sneaky. It’s all in the setup. He can’t touch my glasses. I can’t touch his. He doesn’t realize what I’m going to do, but I do. You see, you’ve got to remember one thing, you innocent, naive viewers at home, that I teach you everything you know, but I don’t teach you everything that I know. Here’s what you do. He goes for his first shot, I go for my first beer. All you’ve got to be able to do is drink a pint of beer very quickly, like this.

Peter: You blocked me.

Simon: Now he’s not allowed to touch my glass. So I can spend the rest of the night enjoying my drinks with Jillian, while you try to work out. . .

Peter: A way to get. . .

Simon: . . .just how the heck you’re going to get a straw under there. And that, my friends is how you can get a lot of drinks for absolutely no money, which is my favorite way to do it.

Transcript

Simon: Peter, Jillian, you’re back at our bar again. How can you come back and keep losing drinks, Peter?

Peter: I just want my drink. I want a free drink.

Simon: Well, I know you do, and I’m prepared to offer you a free drink.

Peter: I’m going to get it this time.

Simon: For a bet.

Peter: Of course.

Simon: Of course, you know me, I’m the bad guy. I’ve got three empty shot glasses and I’ve got three shots here. Here’s our little betcha.

Peter: All right.

Simon: Now it’s one shot from you to me if you lose the bet.

Peter: Okay.

Simon: If you win the bet, you get all three shot,s and as Peter is an alcoholic, he’ll like that.

Peter: I’ll do it.

Simon: Peter, here’s the bet. You see there’s three empty ones; three shots. You get to move one glass and that’s it. Only one glass, Jillian.

Jillian: Okay.

Simon: And those shots and the empty glasses have to alternate. So it will be empty glass, shot, empty glass, shot, empty glass shot.

Jillian: And he only gets to move one?

Simon: He can only move one.

Jillian: Okay.

Simon: I’ll bet you I can do it and I’ll bet you can’t.

Peter: Okay, it’s a bet.

Simon: This is easy money.

Peter: It’s a bet.

Simon: Away you go, my friend, try it.

Peter: Okay, I have to move one shot glass.

Simon: You can move any glass you want, you can move it.

Peter: Right, as long as it’s alternating.

Simon: But they have to alternate, yeah.

Peter: So this is tough, because no matter what it’s going to be…

Simon: Oh, there’s a good move. I can make a little space for you, if you want.

Peter: Yeah, but it’s still not going to work.

Simon: A little space, maybe a little more.

Peter: Yeah, it’s still not going to work, because it’s still going to get…

Simon: Yeah, they’re not going to alternate, are they?

Peter: You got to use one…

Simon: I can even put them that close together and I can still do it.

Jillian: You got me.

Peter: You got me.

Simon: Got him, again.

Peter: You’re not going to drink it, are you?

Simon: Well, eventually. But not to for the bet. No, they have to end up on the bar alternating.

Peter: Okay, yeah. You stumped me.

Simon: Well, you see again, it’s all about the words. I said you could move one glass, right? I didn’t say which direction you had to move it. I know that sounds odd, but you were thinking of moving the glasses laterally, yes?

Peter: Yes.

Simon: Well, what I do is I take this one. I certainly didn’t say the liquor had to stay in the same glass. I pour it into that glass and put it back. Look! Empty, full, empty, full, empty, full.

Jillian: Every time.

Simon: And his wallet is not full, it’s empty.

Peter: Sneaky is your middle name.

Simon: Sneaky is my given name, my friend, and that’s how you do a little surprise with shots.

Transcript

Simon: The duncster, you’re back again, my friend. You just can’t stop hurtling back here to learn some new bets, can you?

Peter: I’m addicted. What can I say?

Simon: You know why? Because you’re doing them on your friends, aren’t you? Sneakily, away from here?

Peter: Yes, I am.

Simon: So you’ve been making a bit of scratch for yourself.

Peter: Why not?

Simon: So, you’ve got a couple of bucks in your pocket.

Peter: Yes.

Simon: Which you can do another bet with me for.

Peter: Absolutely.

Simon: And you know, money’s always on the table, my friend.

Peter: Absolutely, there it is.

Simon: That’s the money, my friend.

Peter: Here we go, let’s go.

Simon: I like it.

Peter: Essence of cash.

Simon: Smells good.

Unknown: Yes, it does.

Simon: Listen, here’s a shot of Scotch.

Peter: All right.

Simon: Shot glass full of water. Here’s the bet, very simply bet. All you’ve got to do is make the Scotch go into that glass and the water go into that glass. But as you may have anticipated, there are some caveats. You can’t use a straw. You can’t drink one and hold it in your mouth and spit it back, pouring the other one in.

Peter: That was my move.

Simon: I thought it might be, my friend. No, they’ve just got to change places. It’s a fantastic bet. It’s worth the price of admission and it’s certainly worth that little bit of scratch on top of my scratch for you to learn this amazing bet.

Peter: I’m ready.

Simon: All righty. Here’s the deal. Little bit of knowledge, very dangerous thing. I say this a lot during this little course, but this is one where it really is a dangerous thing. Did you know that water is heavier than whiskey?

Peter: Yes, I’ve learned that.

Simon: You did? You should have guessed that then, shouldn’t you? You should have guessed the secret.

Peter: No really, in chemistry I learned that.

Simon: The secret involves the ace of hearts and of course, I am the ace of hearts.

Peter: Without a doubt.

Simon: You pop a playing card on top of the water. You turn it upside down and you just line up the glasses, like that. Nothing’s happening yet. Don’t panic, it’s not a heart attack. Nobody dies. And you ever so slowly put a little gap between the water and the whiskey and watch what happens. The water goes down and forces the whiskey out. You can see it happening, right there.

Peter: Chemistry according to Simon. Amazing.

Simon: Chemistry according to the fattening of my wallet.

Peter: Take it easy.

Simon: Hey.

Peter: That’s it.

Simon: It’s worth it.

Peter: It is.

Simon: It’s a nice little whiskey and water transposition.

Peter: It was a beautiful move. Beautiful move.

Simon: Yeah. It takes a little while, but they’ll pony up.

Peter: Eventually, yes.

Simon: Because they can see it’s going to happen. It’ll take a couple of minutes but it’s happening. And that my friend, is the little whiskey and water transpo, that’ll make you a lot of whiskey and a lot less water.

Peter: That was brilliant, Simon. Beautiful move.

Transcript

Simon: Donny, my fine furry friend. In your leopard skin hat you look like a man who enjoys a shot or two.

Donny: Absolutely.

Simon: I’m going to guess a little psychically, tequila?

Donny: Oh, do I ever.

Man 1: You love tequila, right?

Donny: Absolutely.

Simon: Are you steady handed?

Donny: I think I am.

Simon: Do you want to take a little betcha with me.

Donny: Absolutely

Simon: All righty. I bet you that I can put a shot of tequila right down there on the bar in front of you and you can’t lift it up and drink it without spilling it.

Donny: No way.

Simon: All of it.

Donny: No way.

Simon: Do you want to take the bet? Because if you take the bet, you realize you have to buy me a tequila, as well.

Donny: I’m going for it.

Simon: Your hands, hold out your hands. Yeah, it’s a little trembley. I don’t think you can do it.

Donny: Okay, let’s try it.

Simon: Gina, can we get a little tequila down here, my fantastic European maniac? She’s from Europe.

Donny: All right.

Simon: If she’s not, she should be because she looks European.

Donny: Yes, she does, beautiful lady.

Simon: Notice the wording on the back of that. I said I’d put the shot glass down in front of you.

Donny: Okay.

Simon: That’s what I’m going to do and I promise you, that’s all I’m going to do. But I might do it a little differently to how you anticipated. I’m going to take a little playing card. The queen of hearts.

Donny: Okey, dokey.

Simon: I do this in deference to Gina who is, of course, the queen of my heart. Well, in my dreams. I pop that over the glass. I turn the glass upside down. I pull out the card. I bet you, you can’t drink that up, without spilling it everywhere.

Donny: I think you got me again.

Simon: I know.

Donny: I give up. I don’t know how you are doing this one now. This is impossible.

Simon: I’m such an evil man, my friends. But beneath this evil exterior beats a heart of ice, gold, heat, fire, something, I don’t know.

Donny: Whatever.

Simon: And that’s how you do oopsey-doopsey.

Transcript

Simon: Welcome to the bar, my friend.

Man 2: Yeah. It’s a pleasure

Simon: You look like a new fella here. You’re enjoying a pint and I like to see that.

Man: Absolutely.

Simon: I don’t know if you know me or not. I’m a little guy who likes to do a couple of betchas on our customers. Just for fun, you know.

Man: That sounds interesting.

Simon: Well, maybe for a drink.

Man: Why not?

Simon: A little puzzle for you.

Man: Okay

Simon: I don’t know why, my cat likes wine. So I pulled this out from my cat and that’s a little puzzle for you. All you’ve got to do is get that wine into that glass, but you can’t lift up the saucer. You’ve got to pretend you’re a cat. You see, you’ve got paws so you can’t lift up the saucer and that’s the whole bet. I’m prepared to bet you that I can do it., and here’s our bet.

Man: Let’s do it.

Simon: If I can do it, you buy me a drink.

Man: That sounds fair.

Simon: If not, I’ll buy you two drinks.

Man: Oh, that’s better than fair, okay.

Simon: See now you’re a happy camper, aren’t you?

Man: How can it get better than this?

Simon: You look a little frisky my friend.

Man: All right.

Simon: Do you want to think about how it might be done?

Man: Let me give it some thought.

Simon: There’s no way he’ll work this out. Nope?

Man: No, I think you got me on this. I don’t know. I don’t think you can do it.

Simon: Well, I can and I’ll show you how.

Man: That remains to be seen.

Simon: It all involves a book of matches. Doesn’t seem logical at the start, but you bend your book of matches, so it will stand up.

Man: Okay

Simon: And you dip that in the wine. It’s a frisky little book of matches.

Man: It is.

Simon: There we go. Then you light the matches and you turn the glass over the top, and the friction, the vacuum pulls the wine into the glass.

Man: That is amazing.

Simon: See, I didn’t say which way up the glass had to be nor did I say the wine had to be drinkable.

Man: No,that was brilliant. I owe you a drink.

Simon: That’s always the way, my friend.

Man: You’re the best.

Simon: I’m never a loser.

Transcript

Simon: Well, you guys are back again. I’ve got a question for you. It’s not really a bet this time, just a question. Let’s imagine you were a bartender and you’ve turned up at your bar. Now obviously, you’ve got to get the bar ready, right? You’ve got to get all the stuff out and you’ve got to slice the limes and the lemons and things. But let’s just say, Jillian, that a mad ninja thief… I know it’s a bit of a stretch, but in my fantasy land I live in, it works. And that ninja thief has arrived in the night and stolen all the knives from your bar. How do you slice up the limes and the lemons?

Man: You can rip them open, maybe? No.

Simon: No, it wouldn’t be pretty. No, it wouldn’t be pretty.

Man: Yeah, you’ve got me. I don’t know how you’d cut them.

Simon: And all you have on you is a pack of cigarettes and a book of matches.

Man: Burn them up? Smoke them?

Simon: And now, you’ve got to slice the lime. That’s a lime, with the cigarette. That’s all you’ve got. Your little pack of cigarettes and your light.

Jillian: I don’t know, but I bet you’re going to tell us.

Simon: Well, I know you’d just bet me. He’s going to pony up a drink for it.

Man: All right.

Simon: Because you know he wants to know how to use a cigarette to slice a lime.

Man: I mean, it’s not sharp enough, not sharp at all. You can’t cut through it.

Simon: I mean do you want to try? No, you’re just going to destroy the cigarette, you know that. And these things are $12.50 a pack. In the old days I’d have let him go through four or five cigarettes. But, no. So you’re going to pony up for a drink, right? If I show you how to do it?

Man: Of course, what kind of drink?

Simon: Oh, I’m thinking top shelf.

Man: All right. This is a tough one, then.

Simon: It is.

Man: All right. I’m for it. Let’s do it.

Simon: I like this man, Jillian.

Jillian: I do, too.

Simon: He’s such a patsy. Here’s what you do. See people don’t know that’s there’s all sorts of chemicals in the filters of cigarettes. I’m sure they’re horribly bad for you, but you’ve got to die of something. And what you do is you light the end of the filter of the cigarette. Let it burn a second. Wet your finger and pinch. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Man: Are you all right there?

Jillian: Yeah?

Simon: What do you think? Sometimes to win money, you have to have pain.

Jillian: Sacrifice.

Simon: But what it does, it makes that… do you want to feel it?

Jillian: Oh, my gosh.

Simon: It makes it like a knife-edge.

Man: Wow.

Simon: So, when you slice it…

Man: You cut right through the lime.

Simon: … you can slice right into it.

Man: Wow.

Simon: And that, my friends, is how you do the lime-aid.

Transcript

Simon: Peter, Jillian. You’re back for some more little betcha’s I can tell. You just can’t keep away from me can you? Well, lucky for you I’ve just learnt a new one. This guy down at a bar in Greenwich Village showed me fantastic little bet with matches. Jillian, let’s see if you can work it out.

Jillian: Okay.

Simon: See this little half match represents an olive. I know it doesn’t look much like an olive, but let’s pretend.

Jillian: Okay.

Simon: We’re playing fantasy, as indeed I often do. And I’m going to put a little glass around it, just like this. This is not going to very artistic. So that represents the glass around the olive.

Peter: Okay.

Simon: And here’s a little bet for you. Now Peter, you do realize there’ll be a drink on this.

Peter: Okay, I love a drink.

Simon: I’m happy to buy you one if you can work it out.

Peter: I’m still waiting for my drink.

Simon: I know you are and how often have I taken drinks off you, my friend?

Peter: Quite a bit.

Simon: I want you to win this one.

Peter: I want to, too.

Simon: He’s not going to. Here’s the bet, my friend. You get to move two matches and two matches only. You have to get the olive out of the glass, but you have to leave the glass intact. In other words it still has to look like the glass, but the olive has to be out of it.

Peter: So I can only move two matches?

Simon: Only two. And I could have been crueler, I could have said one, but I didn’t. I’m giving you two matches, my friend. For just the price of a nice top shelf Scotch.

Peter: There’s always a price involved.

Simon: There is with me, isn’t there? You know that.

Peter: Nothing’s for free.

Simon: There are two kinds of people in this world, my wee darling. Those who make money and those who take it. So away you go there, Pete. Let’s see how badly you can mess this one up.

Peter: We’ll see. I think I can do it.

Simon: He’s got no chance at all.

Peter: All right, two matches. Here we go.

Simon: Here we go. Stand back. There may be broken glass here.

Peter: It’s going to be…

Simon: Oh, this is good.

Peter: I don’t know.

Simon: He’s moving at the speed of the wounded ferret here, my friends.

Peter: I can’t move any of them, because it’ll break the glass. That will break the glass.

Simon: But I’m prepared to bet you a top shelf drink I can do it.

Peter: It can’t be done, so I’ll take it.

Simon: You’ll take the bet?

Peter: Yes.

Simon: What do you think, Jillian?

Jillian: I don’t know. Tell me.

Simon: Okay, watch very close and learn, my friend, because a lot of bar bets are all about how you word the bar bet. I said “Leave the glass intact.” I didn’t say which way up the glass had to be. So here’s how it’s done. I’m going to move that little match over there. Then I’m going to take that match and put it down there. The olive is out of the glass. I only moved two matches, but the glass is upside down. I didn’t say which way up the glass had to be.

Peter: No, and it’s still intact.

Jillian: Yeah, that’s still intact.

Simon: And the olive, like Houdini from a locked in tank full of water has pounced out and said to the crowd, “You owe me a drink.”

Transcript

Simon: Jillian, Peter. I’ve got a little magic trick to show you. You like magic tricks, right?

Peter: Oh, yeah.

Simon: Who doesn’t like magic tricks? Look, I can show my hand empty, give it a little rub and produce a penny.

Jillian: Yay.

Simon: All I need to do is do that 38 million times a day and I’ll be as rich as Warren Buffet or I could bet you something. See, I’ve been taking this psychic course from television and I’m getting really good at it.

Jillian: Okay.

Simon: And see, I can sense you had a woman in your life that you used to call mother. Am I right?

Jillian: Yes.

Simon: Great, and you have a small scar on one of your knees?

Peter: Yeah.

Simon: Yeah.

Peter: From skateboarding.

Simon: Yeah. See? I could sense you’re a skateboarder. And you had a pet and it died. Well, everybody’s had a pet that died. I’m sorry to drag back those unhappy memories…

Jillian: It’s all right. I’ll let it go this time.

Simon: … of Frisky the tortoise. I had a tortoise called Frisky. But let’s do a little bet with this penny, because as you know, I am a bit of a naughty boy, and I’m always ready to bet for a drink. I could bet you I can flip that penny on the bar and Lincoln will turn up, because you know Lincoln is the president on the penny, right?

Jillian: Yes.

Simon: But I’ve been taking this psychic course andI bet you I can make it turn up ten times.

Peter: Ten times?

Jillian: In a row?

Simon: In a row.

Peter: Every single time, Lincoln?

Simon: Lincoln turning up every time. And I’ll tell you what, Peter, because you don’t trust me.

Peter: I don’t.

Simon: You think I’m a little sneaky.

Peter: A sneaky devil.

Jillian: Because you are.

Simon: I’ll let you toss the coin and Lincoln will turn up ten times in a row.

Jillian: Let’s see the coin, yeah?

Simon: It’s just a penny. Just a penny. Not a trick coin. Not a double-faced coin or anything.

Peter: All right, okay.

Simon: This one’s straight out of the bar. I stole it.

Peter: All right.

Jillian: At least you’re honest.

Simon: Away you go and you can throw it ten times. Lincoln will turn up every single time.

Jillian: Okay.

Peter: All right.

Simon: Look, Peter. Here’s the deal. Here’s the deal, my friend. There’s no point in your tossing the coin. It’s a little knowledge, dangerous thing moment. You could toss this coin for the rest of your life and Lincoln will turn up every time. Do you know why? Lincoln is on both sides of the coin. The president’s head on one side the Lincoln Memorial on the other. You could throw that coin up and down for the rest of your life.

Jillian: Tricky.

Simon: And Lincoln will always turn up. By the way, did I mention that’s another drink you owe me?

Peter: Not again, I’m losing money.

Simon: Hey, ho. That’s lucky old Lincoln. Good old Abe, I like him.

Transcript

Simon: Peter, Jillian. Nice to see you back at the bar. And good to see you enjoying your drink, because that’s what keeps us guys in business. But I know you like to drink for free, right?

Peter: Oh, yeah.

Simon: Do you know? My little kid, Sydney, showed me a great one the other day. Fantastic little bet. I couldn’t believe I fell for this. And I’m going to bet you a drink on it. You see, he bet me that I couldn’t name the president on a ten dollar bill, even if I looked at the bill for ten seconds. You got a ten dollar bill on you?

Peter: Yeah, I think I do.

Simon: I’m going to let you look at that bill for ten seconds and then put it face down on the bar. Then I’m going to ask you the question about the president on it.

Jillian: Gosh, I don’t know.

Peter: Okay.

Simon: This is fantastic. Is that enough for you?

Peter: Yeah.

Jillian: Yeah.

Simon: Great, let’s put the bill face down on the bar. Didn’t even take you ten seconds. See? That’s how stupid I felt when I lost the bet. Can you name the president on that ten dollar bill?

Peter: Alexander Hamilton.

Simon: Great, you just lost ten dollars.

Peter: Not a president.

Simon: Not a president. He was Secretary of the Treasury.

Jillian: I had no idea. You caught on a lot faster than I did.

Simon: Here’s a cool thing though, that my kid Sydney told me. If somebody bets you on the bet, you can still win the bet. Because if they say name the president on the ten dollar bill, do you know what you say?

Jillian: Is there one on there?

Simon: You say Alexander Hamilton and they’ll say to you: “Hahaha, he was never president.” At which point, you say, “Yes, he was.” He was president of the Ascot Club in New York City.

Peter: Ah, there you go.

Simon: You see? It’s all about how you word the bet, people.

Peter: Right. Yeah.

Simon: You have to say: “Can you name the president of the United States on the bill.” So, Jillian, here’s one for you. You’re American, right?

Jillian: Yes.

Simon: And you went to school?

Gillian: Yes.

Simon: So, you’re vaguely educated?

Jillian: Vaguely.

Simon: Here’s a great one for you, but you’ll like this one. You can do this for another ten dollars.

Peter: All right.

Simon: I like the long tall green. What can I say?

Peter: Great.

Simon: For ten dollars can you name me the first president of America?

Jillian: I was nervous this would happen. Is this a trick question?

Simon: I’m just merely asking you to name the first president of America for a nice little silver.

Jillian: George Washington?

Simon: You were so close.

Peter: It was George Washington.

Simon: You were so close.

Jillian: You see? I knew it. That’s why I wasn’t…

Peter: He’s the first president.

Simon: No, he was the first president of the United States of America. The first president of America was the first president of the Continental Congress, which would be John Hancock.

Jillian: Oh.

Peter: Oh.

Simon: You owe me ten bucks.

Peter: You sneaky devil.

Simon: I am a sneaky little devil. But then, I am America’s conman. And that, my friends, is, as they say in the trade, a quickie for ten dollars. Nice.

Transcript

Simon: You guys are back at the bar again. You just can’t wait to beat me, can you?

Peter: No, I’m convinced its going to happen.

Simon: In your dreams. But I do have a new one for you. It’s great. You see, a little while ago I was sold an impossible object. I keep it here in my cigarette box. Its an impossible object and I’ll tell you why, Jillian. Nobody here has ever seen this object before in history.

Peter: Does it even exist? Ah, there’s something in there.

Simon: And even though I know I own this object, I’ve never seen this object. And If I show it to you, nobody in history will ever see it again. Now, are you interested in the object, my friend?

Peter: Sure, if no one’s seen it.

Simon: Thought you might be. But of course, since its such an impossible object, a unique object that nobody in history has ever seen before, well I’m not going to show it to you for nothing, am I?

Peter: No, of course, here we go.

Simon: So what are you going to pony up?

Peter: Let’s do, can we do a drink? A tequila?

Simon: I think a little higher for an impossible object. I mean look at the little bets you’ve lost against me before for a drink. I mean this an impossible object nobody has ever seen before, and nobody will ever see again. Now that’s worth a bit of scratch.

Peter: How much are you looking for?

Simon: Five hundred?

Peter: Oh, I don’t know if I can do that.

Simon: What are you going to go?

Peter: Why not $100?

Simon: Let’s meet in the middle, make it $250.

Peter: Two hundred fifty, all right. I’ll go for it. If its that impossible.

Simon: You with a beautiful lady, don’t let yourself down with a pansy bet.

Peter: Lady luck.

Simon: Lady luck, that’s just about to run out. Oh, you are so going to hate me on this one. I promised you inside this box is an impossible object that nobody has ever seen before. Nobody will ever see again and if I told you one lie, I will double your bet. So do you want to up your bet?

Peter: Why not? Let’s go for it.

Simon: What are you going to go for?

Peter: Well if we’re going to go $250 and double it?

Simon: So that’ll make it $500? If I told you a lie, I’ll give you $1,000.

Peter: Whoa.

Simon: Of course, I’m not going to take it out here. My friend, here’s the deal and you are so going to hate me, Jillian. But this is how you beat your friends that much. You take out an unshelled peanut. Break open the peanut. That, my friend, is an object which has never been seen before by anybody in history and will never be seen again. And that is how you can take a grand off somebody in the bar.

Jillian: For a peanut.

Simon: And by the way, I’ve allegedly taken more than a grand on that bet. I suggest to you, my friends just go for $2 or $3 or a drink or have some fun.