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What do you do if you have, like you’re in the middle of the day, you’re drinking wine, you’re having a great time and then you realize I have to go take a dump and it’s gonna take a while.

In the apartment?

Either at the apartment or at… whatever.

That happens all the time to be honest luckily I’m a quick [beep] just give it a one, two push and get out of there.

What if there no windows, and she’s like “I have to use the bathroom too” right after you just used.

I went through a period where I wanted to get girls to [beep] me while I [beep] just to see how good it would be.

What if doesn’t come out one, two.

I don’t want to go in the bathroom and smell my first dates poops.

And it was pretty good and my next goal what I haven’t done is I wanna be eating a sandwich while I’m [beep] while I’m [beep] but I haven’t got there yet.

Sometime I get like IBS, so what do I do if I need to take a poop and I’m on a date already.

That is a fair question.

It’s kind of awkward. Because you’re there and I need a big [beep] holding my [beep] so it doesn’t hit the bottom of the seat and then I’m eating at the same time and then I got to hold her hair, anyway, what was the question?

Have you ever had to make a bowel movement during a date?Interviewee6: Yes.

I think that we all poop so I think you should just poop.

In your pants?

No, like in the bathroom.

Have you ever sharted on a date?

On the actual date?

Yeah.

You literally mean to on the person or do you mean…

No, no… like you thought you had to fart and you maybe even walk away.

Not on the date, but I have shat my pants before.

I had diarrhea last night while on a date I shit five times in a night, I’m not kidding, still got laid.

Well, I don’t know if know about submissive fetishes but I like prefer to watch her do it, but aside from that.

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Speaker 1: So what do you think about farting? Like, turning it down a bit? Like, if you’re in bed with a girl, what do you do when you fart?

Speaker 2: If there’s really no other way around it, so be it. I mean, don’t destroy your body, because you can literally end up hurting yourself from the inside and out. All that gas, literally, it can be lethal. It is, seriously.

Speaker 3: So, you go to the other room.

Speaker 2: Right in the middle of the [bleep], really?

Speaker 4: We’re in a good deep cuddle, and I can’t really get myself out. Like, I’m gonna have to fart, how do I do that?

Speaker 5: Bang, bang, bang, oh pardon me. Are you kidding me? Hell no, that’s the last time you’re ever gonna get laid.

Speaker 6: For a long time, I had a policy not to do that. And then I was dating a girl for about three months, and she said to my friends, ‘It’s really weird, this guy never farts’. And I thought, ‘Oh my God, I’ve really achieved something here.’ And then once she said that, she made a mistake, and the mistake was then I just let it loose. And now we have to open the windows.

Speaker 7: Now, he’s living out his friend’s garage.

Speaker 1: What do you think about farting? Have you ever farted in bed, post or pre?

Speaker 8: Absolutely.

Speaker 9: I’ve done some side ones that smelled bad.

Speaker 1: Have you ever sharted in bed, or no?

Speaker 10: Never sharted in bed, but very close.

Speaker 11: You’re banging her really good, and she’s having multiple orgasms, you can pretty much get away with anything you want to. Don’t fart early on, but once she’s hooked in to the [bleep], you’re good.

Speaker 12: While having sex, and you’re giving her multiple orgasms.

Speaker 13: Totally fine.

Speaker 14: If a girl likes when you fart around her, you marry her.

Speaker 15: Yeah, if she’s there like. She’s not going to be like, what’s that smell? She’s not coming out of a full shaker to be like, ‘Do you smell something?’ It’s not gonna happen.

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How far is too far on the first date?

It really depends on the person. I mean, sometimes when you’re on the first date, some people are like hey, I like you, you like me, we’re adults, why not let’s get down to business. I don’t know, so I feel like it really depends.

Too far to go on the first, anal.

What about anal, is that okay?

Okay, so anal would suck. Yeah.

Anal, baby. Right?

Yeah.

Sure, why not?

Too far on a first date. Do you think there is such a thing or no?

It depends what you want out of that relationship. If she’s the girl of your dreams, then why rush? But if you’re just out for a bit of fun, then why hold back?

In my twenties, nothing was too far.

No sex on the first date?

No. Because I am here with my boyfriend.

Oh, not with, not us? Do you think it’s fine to sleep with someone on the first date or is there like a limit to how far you should go on the first date?

Some people have fallen in love and married on the first date, you know? It depends on your attitude.

I guess it depends. I’m kinda…

Oh, yeah.

…if its that guy, all the way is not far enough

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I’m Harrison [SS] here with health cast. We’re going to have some dating and sex advice. Here, let’s go.

Sir, would you give me some dating advice? How do you pick up girls in public? I need to know how to do that. I don’t know how.

How are you doing?

That’s not it because then everybody would be getting laid all the time.

I look for a eye contact and a little bit of body language.

Yeah, well I contact. That usually just works.

Like, even from far away?

Yeah.

Definitely own a dog.

If I see you’re playing with a dog, like I’ll get the dog’s attention, and like to play up to the dog, and then I start the conversation.

Ask them what breed they have.

What if it’s like clearly a golden retriever, and there like going to think you’re an idiot if you ask them?

My mindset is most girls take hours getting ready to look good, for us and for other girls, and they love compliments. So, you got to recognize that if you don’t take five seconds out of your day to make a woman feel amazing, you’re a selfish [beep]. Stop being a selfish [beep].

You’d be amazed how many dates you can get just by walking up to a girl. You look amazing, I would love to take you for a drink some time. Bam!

See the girl that’s in the nurse’s outfit? I think that’s a nurse’s outfit. Why don’t you go do?

What about dog walkers? Because that’s like a profession now. Like, do you think they get all the [beep].

What about Blondie over there? What do you think you could?

Just, literally pick her up?

I would say like small details. Like dimple, like eyebrows, or, I like the way you laugh. Comment on something that’s very specific, like an action. As opposed to a feature.

So, what they say few when he came over?

He said that he knew me from somewhere.

Do you think you he actually knew you from somewhere?

It’s possible.

If I give you my number will you text me some time? And she said sure. So I gave her my number.

Oh, nice. When do you think she will text you?

Well, she saw me talking to you guys so probably never.

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I’m Harrison Tweed, we’re in downtown Manhattan with HowCast, and we’re going to get some dating advice from the people on the streets. Alright, follow me. Guys, guys, can I ask you guys something? OK. How many people can you have sex with before it gets gross?

637.

You should stick to under 15 or 20 as a lifetime.

15? OK. Cool.

I don’t know, I feel like that’s kind of a high, because I like to be the only one, you know? So, I’d like it to be 0.

If he were like, you know, I want somebody who has not (CENSORED) around with so many people. And it’s just like, well first of all, don’t you want somebody with experience?

If you’re with someone, a big thing that comes up is like the number of people you’ve slept with before. Like especially…

Well I don’t have a big thing come up, that’s one of the reasons I’m a submissive guy.

What do you think is an appropriate number of people to have sex with before it gets gross?

As many as you want.

As many as you want. Do you have like, there’s no cut-off?

No, nothing’s gross.

Oh it depends on how hot the girl is and it could all be fine. I kind of get my highs and lows, like maybe after I’m done and I think about all the numbers she told me, I’d get upset. And like ‘Well I got to get tested for STD’s.’

A girl can think a guy is a male whore, or a guy can think a girl is a whore. I don’t think there’s a limit. Personally I don’t care.

I mean, if she’s banging dudes nightly, for a long period of time on end, then that’s a whole different story, but if she’s been with a couple of dudes then I don’t really care.

Well, I had my moments, but I used to work in the tourist industry before I met him.

You got to be relaxed about that kind of stuff. As long as your safe with it.

Yeah, yeah. What’s your number?

What’s your number?

My number? Of people? My number of what?

People you’ve had sex with.

Well it would definitely be in the 40’s, for sure.

What’s your number?

26.

What about you, what’s your number?

Well not as much as Madonna.

What’s your number?

I don’t know. I lost track.

Nice. Nice. Alright sweet, got room for one more?

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Harrison: I’m Harrison Tweet with Howcast and we’re about to talk people for sex and dating advice. What are the best things you can say while you’re dirty talking, like, in person?

Speaker: I want to watch my turtle on your neck.

Harrison: What would you say is the difference between talking about the beauty of what’s going on as opposed to, like, raw comments. I’m going to stick this and that. I’m going to put my face on your that and eat all these.

Speaker: It’s not dirty. It’s just natural.

Harrison: I’m going to rattle off some phrases you could use during dirty talk. Can you tell me if it is appropriate or inappropriate? Okay? Alright. I want to kiss your face.

Speaker: Yeah.

Harrison: I want to kiss your neck.

Speaker. Sure. Appropriate. Yeah.

Harrison: Okay. I want to kiss your breasts.

Speaker: Sure.

Harrison: Okay. I want to have myself within you.

I want to poop inside ***. And then you poop it back into mine.

Speaker: That’s pushing it, I think.

Harrison: Has a girl ever told you she wanted to bite your *** and eat your ***?

Speaker: That’s just weird ***.

Harrison: Okay. What is your favorite thing to say during dirty talk?

Speaker: Never mind. Bye.

Speaker: Probably it revolves around how huge, yeah, because it’s not so much how big it is but how thick it is.

Harrison: That’s true. Yeah.

Speaker: I’m more interested in that.

Harrison: You’re interested in that. Yeah. That’s a good point. Do you have a nickname for your penis or not?

Speaker: Of course, every dude has one.

Harrison: What’s the nickname?

Speaker: I call it black junior.

Harrison: What’s the best thing you’ve ever heard from a girl in bed?

Speaker: I think you broke something.

Harrison: Wow. That’s… I want to hear that.

Speaker: It’s like…

Speaker: This is part of my dirty talk, like meeting them on the street, like randomly. It’s very exciting for me. I had one girl pass by. She said it’s very tempting, and she smiled at me. So that’s very exciting.

Speaker: I just keep my mouth shut the whole time. I don’t even want to look at the person, no kissing. I don’t even really want to touch them. I just take it.

Harrison: Really?

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What do you think is an appropriate sext message and what’s an inappropriate one?

Sex message?

Sext.

Sex? . . .

Sext. Sext . . .

Sexting? Sexting . . .
I
Sext . . .

An appropriate sext message would be like . . .

You know I like it like a game.

Like a game?

What kind of game? Like, Wheel Of Fortune?

Yes.

Like, I am going to spin your [bleep] around the room and you’re going to get a free.

What’s the worst thing a guy has ever sexted you?

I think photos say it all.

A picture of their privates.

With an image, it’s inappropriate.

Have you ever sent a picture of your or not?

Yeah, I’ve definitely have gotten to feel like flaccid pics, like a Frankenstein of [bleep] and [bleep] action.

So just their or . . .

No, just their whole thing.

Some girls were like ‘Eww,’ and some you can be like, ‘Listen, I just want to just.’

I don’t sext. I have sex.

I am not a big fan of it because it gets you all riled up and then she’s nowhere near you.

This one girl said she wanted to spray me with down with Sriracha, you know the hot sauce?

Personally, I don’t use my phone too much.

Then, she wanted to stick Nerf darts all over my body. I’m trying to find a way to sext my girlfriend in a way that’s hot but it’s appropriate and not too much.

What’s like the perfect sext message I can send her?

A bottle of wine with maybe a Subway sandwich.

And then sit on the Nerf darts and collect all of them.

Oh, you could put the little dress, you know, like the
little girls?

Yeah, you could put that and then the little dancing one, the little cat dancing thing like that.

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I’m Dr. Victoria Wilson. I’m a clinical psychologist with a postgraduate degree in sex and family therapy. I have written a number of books, such as “Anatomy of Pleasure” and “The 30-Day Sex Solution.” My interest lies in human relationship, love, sex, and dating. The reason I’m particularly interested in the arena of love, sex, and dating is because that’s where human happiness lies. We are, as human beings, are social human beings, and our greatest potential for self-growth and self-actualization lies through other relationships, through relationships with other people, our ability to communicate, to relate and to maintain stable and healthy relatedness.

I have appeared on numerous T.V. shows and had my own radio show called “The Sex Connection” on Sirius Satellite Radio. Currently, I have my own private practice at the Center for Positive Psychology. I particularly enjoy counseling couples because I find that the greatest strides in progress can be made in marital therapy. Indeed, sometimes I’ve seen that a single session can change the course of a relationship.

I think one of the most important things to remember as a couple is that relationships are never effortless. People tell me all the time, “This shouldn’t be so much work. It should be much easier.” Well, it is work. Just like staying in shape is work. You don’t expect to never exercise and eat everything you want and look great. Relationship requires same amount of effort. And the more effort you put in – the more attention, affection, and appreciation you show to your partner – the more likely you are to make it as a couple and the more lasting and satisfying your relationship will be.

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So what is the honeymoon stage? It is that stage that psychologists called limerence or stage of high passion of lust and desire. What happens during that honeymoon stage is people want to have a lot of sex, they’re connecting and they’re engaging in what is called projective idealization. And what that means is that you’re idealizing your partner by projecting the qualities upon him or her that you want him or her to have. What happens after honeymoon stage? Which is of course when the Dopamine levels drop about 18 to 36 months. It’s often sooner if the couple moves in together right away. Is that you start seeing your partner in a realistic light. That projective idealization wanes and all of a sudden you start seeing their flaws. Maybe their small incompatibilities. Things perhaps start to irritate you about him or her. And that’s when you have to start engaging in compromise, cooperation, communication and things like that. So the honeymoon stage or the limerence stage, it’s a wonderful stage but people need to expect that that state will be over and that the relationship will not always be effortless. It will require much more effort and it requires conscious decision making of what to say, what not to say, how to process little aggravations and irritations that will come your way.

What happens after honeymoon stage is that a lot of people start to feel that they’re falling out of love. And it’s not what you think it is. It is not falling out of love, you’re falling out of passion or lust. But it’s important to remember that that passion lust simply can not last. Because your brain can not put out that level of Dopamine or epinephrine as it did in the beginning stage of your relationship. So at this point what the couple needs to do is develop attachment, secure attachment where their needs are being met. Where they’re communicating and they’re really connecting. They’re making an effort to connect. That attachment is what will carry them through their lifetime. That’s something that keeps people together past the honeymoon stage.

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One of the ways which significantly reduces chances of cheating and problem proofs your marriage is premarital counseling. During premarital counseling, a couple can discuss expectations and discuss how those expectations can be met, engage in problem solving with the therapist, and figure out what kind of sexual activities, what kind of romantic activities what sort of intimate communication is important, to make sure that they’re sexually satisfied.

I think having expectations out on a table, knowing what your partner desires and dislikes are very important in making sure that his or her emotional and sexual needs are met. And remember, it is unmet needs that is the most frequent reason why people cheat. So premarital counseling, and of course even marital counseling, allows for those needs to be brought out in the open, to be discussed in a very safe and neutral environment. And too, for the couple to engage in problem solving, and figure out what kind of ways can they meet each others needs.

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The most common reasons why people seek couples counseling is desire discrepancy. And what is desire discrepancy? It’s when one person has a much higher libido, wants a lot more sex than the other one in the relationship. And sometimes the discrepancy is really dramatic. You know, I’ve seen couples where a wife wanted sex everyday and the husband was only interested in having it once a month and vice versa. A lot of things plays into it such as, you know, levels of energy and fatigue, hormonal levels, stage of your life, you know, child bearing and other issues as well. But desire discrepancy can be very dangerous to a relationship particularly if the gap is great. Because obviously if one person wants to have sex once a month and the other one wants to have it once a year, we definitely have a problem here.

So what is the solution for desire discrepancy? The solution of course, is compromise and cooperation. How can we compromise to bring the couple together to an optimal level of sexual activity that they’re both content with? What kind of activities can we engage in to compromise, whether it’s autoeroticism, whether it’s autoeroticism, autoerotic activities with a partner. What kind of sexual acts are acceptable? What are preconditions to the arousal of that partner? What sort of conditions, whether it’s lowering level of distraction or lowering housework level, that have to be met for that person to become more interested in sex. That could be issues with hormonal supplementation such as testosterone, Estratest injections and patches and so forth. So there are issues that can be looked at particularly in couples counseling to even out this difference in sexual desire and to make sure that the couple remains satisfied with the sex life.

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It takes a while to repair your relationship after an affair. Do not expect your partner to jump right back in bed with you after an affair even if he or she has forgiven you and forgotten a lot of the transgression. It takes a lot of effort and time, and a lot of times you have to start anew. You have to start from courtship and dating and do romantic things together and slowly build up the sexual tension, the trust.

It also takes a while to repair your own self-esteem. You may internalize things. You may personalize their fear. You may feel you weren’t attractive enough, that something’s wrong with you, you are somehow defective. “Why wasn’t I enough?” is the thought that’s common, that’s very common of the people who suffered, who were the victims of the affair.

So it’s important to deal with your own feelings, to tell yourself that you are a capable, worthy human being, that you’re attractive, to do things that make you feel good, that make you feel attractive and desirable. Whether it’s going back to the gym, it’s going out with your friends, whether it’s changing your wardrobe, whatever makes you feel sexy and desirable is also very important.

And of course, it is very important to keep your communication open in an affair, to discuss your own feelings as they may arise again and again. Those feelings of insecurity and hurt. Just because you’ve moved on, it doesn’t mean that those feelings won’t resurface. And it is important that your partner reassures you and makes you feel sexy and desirable and wanted. So keeping channels of communications open, making sure that you confide in your partner, making sure that you spend a lot of quality time together is very important to repair and to keeping your relationship strong after an affair.

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Well here are the top three myth about affairs or infidelity. Number one, only unhappily married or unhappy people cheat. The truth is as many people who are otherwise consider themselves happily married or engaged in a happy relationship do succumb to infidelity. We’re human beings and often we simply make mistakes. We succumb to temptation. So just because your partner cheated doesn’t mean that he or she is not in love with you or that she’s not happy in this relationship. Somebody could be very happy in their relationship and still make a mistake, engage in a one stand or have an affair. So that would be the number one myth.

The number two myth is that the person you partner is having an affair with or engaging in infidelity with is better looking than you are younger, better looking richer or in some ways better than you are. The truth is, most partners that your partner is cheating with are not better looking in many ways. Sometimes they’re simply different from you in some ways. Something different, unusual, or what I’ve heard one patient say, it was simply creating strange. That was the expression he used. Creating something entirely different from his spouse. Something novel, some sort of a variety. Do not assume that the lover of your partner is somehow better than you are or better looking. Do not personalize this. This is not about you at all.

And the third most common myth is that most relationships won’t survive an affair. The truth is, 50% of relationships or more survive an affair and thrive afterwards. The number one reason why people break up is actually not infidelity. It is miscommunication or distancing. Feeling misunderstood, feeling inability to communicate with your partner. As awful as an affair could be, it can also be a catalyst in many relationships. It may make people realize that they need to start dating again, that they need to make more of an effort to pay attention to their partner to not take them for granted. So an affair is not always a horrible thing. It can also be a positive thing in the long run as painful as it feels in the moment.

What are other myths about cheating or infidelity? Another myth is that affairs or infidelity is all about sex. For many people it is not only about sex and sometimes not about sex at all. It is about being affirmed, being understood, being paid attention to. A number of variables, communication, trust, sometimes it could be revenge on your partner. So affairs are motivated by a number of variables and sex is not always a central variable there.

And a final most common myth is that the cheating partner is 100% to blame for an affair. When it comes to an affair it is important to look at it as not blame but contribution. What was contribution to your partners affair? Perhaps your contribution was only 1% and he’s 99% to blame or maybe your contribution was 10%. That’s when you look at variables such as, was I paying attention to your partner, was I denying him or her sex, was I mean or abusive or taking this person for granted. All sorts of variables can contribute to a relationship and when you’re looking at relationship survival it is important to also look at your own contribution. How could my behavior have contributed to this person looking for an affair?

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Is it possible to overcome your anger about your partner’s affair? Well, it’s a difficult question. Anger is a natural human emotion and response to an insult and response to a loss, so to some extent you will feel anger and it’s a natural feeling. What you want to do is not to overcome your anger, but perhaps to reduce your anger, to reduce the intensity of it. One of the ways to do it is to realize that we’re all fallible human beings. We’re not perfect. We make mistakes. We’re just imperfect by design. We tend to err. We tend to make horrible mistakes sometimes; all of us do. And realizing that may help you gain a little bit more of a perspective on how your partner felt. The other thing is develop compassion, realizing that your partner is suffering as well. They are suffering from the guilt, they’re suffering from the fear, from the heartbreak, perhaps from the relationship loss, losing this relationship, losing your trust. So, having compassion for your partner, realizing that they’re in pain as well helps to overcome some of this anger. Talking to other people, perhaps getting into a support group helps as well. Reading up on this, which we call bibliotherapy, or self-help reading helps a lot. And of course, therapy is always helpful whenever we talk about anger management and reducing other negative emotions.

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I generally do not recommend to my patients that they seek out and confront the other man or woman that their partner is engaged with. And there are multiple reasons for this. One, main one, is their safety. We don’t know how people are going to react. You never know whether this person is going to engage in violent, erratic behavior. You don’t know yourself if you would lose control. You don’t know what feelings meeting that person would evoke in you and whether you are clearly capable of impulse control when you’re flooded with those feelings. So your safety is the main reason why I recommend against confronting that person, however, there are certain exceptions.

One is that if you believe that unless you confront this person, this person will continue to initiate contact with your partner then I think it’s important to confront. I think it’s also important to confront if this is someone you know and you have a chance of running into as well because that could cause all sorts of otherwise uncomfortable situations as well. I think it’s better to get things out in the open, however, you have to be very careful when you confront. I usually ask this person to make sure they’re very calm when they do that and to enlist a friend that they can either go with or talk to at the same time so that you don’t feel overwhelmed and alone.

But again, it’s a complicated issue. A lot of people hope to confront the other man or woman in order to get some kind of details or to get the truth and you’re never going to get the truth. They only heard a different side of this. A whole different story. A lot of time they will lie. They will say things that will make you angry or so chances of you getting some sort of closure or some sort of remorse or expecting them to apologize this is all kind of a set up for more hurt and more negative emotions. So I don’t generally recommend it unless you feel that you absolutely must confront or you, you just keep ruminating and you cannot go on. And so it’s a, it’s an important thing to weigh your safety versus the real importance of confronting the other man or woman.

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So what about one night stands, do they qualify as cheating? Yes technically one night stands are infidelity because you’re sharing yourself sexually with someone else. Given the fact if you would never see the person ever again, of course, it’s much more forgivable than an on going affair. Something where you’ve invested time, energy, intimacy, resources in.

A one night stand is something much more likely to be forgiven by a partner than something that’s more involved. Particularly women, women are likely to forgive a one night stand, and likely to prefer a one night sexual stand to an on going emotional involvement of their partner with someone else.

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So why do people cheat? Ultimately, people cheat because their needs are not being met, whether these are emotional, relational, or sexual needs. That’s the number one reason that people give for cheating. Of course, we don’t know whether these reasons are also excuses that people come up with afterwards when researchers are asking them Maybe sometimes it’s pure indulgence for some people. Some people are hedonists and they believe in seeking out pleasure and pleasure above all. Some people are sociopathic narcissists and they simply don’t care; they don’t have guilt or remorse and they take whatever comes their way. So, people cheat for a variety of reasons.

However, most commonly given reasons are unmet needs in the relationship. So, if you’re not being heard, if you’re being unappreciated, if you’re emotionally abused, if you’re ignored, if you’re feeling taken for granted – that’s a big one – you will be more predisposed to cheat. If your sex life has dried up, if it seems like you’re not really connecting anymore or if it unsatisfying and somebody else comes along who seems exciting and interesting and sexually attractive, of course, you would be prone to cheat as well. And morality, religiosity, all of those things also play into the desire to cheat as well. And cultural norms, if you’re in a culture that’s more permissive about polyamory, perhaps you’re more likely as well to be open to infidelity. So, there is not one reason.

However, to avoid cheating, look for unmet needs and negotiate, compromise, talk about them, communicate as much as possible because a lot of partners are willing to actually meet their partner’s needs if that partner just lets them know that, “This is what I need. I need more hugs, I need more compliments, I need to be dating, I need more courtship, I need more attention,” you know, “perhaps I want to try something different sexually, I wanna be a little more adventuresome,” And communicating those needs to your partner is paramount to keeping your relationship vital and alive.

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If someone cheated on you once, what is the likelihood that that person will cheat on you again? That’s a difficult question. One that requires for you to consider a multitude of factors. One of the most important ones is what is the level of commitment in this relationship. Someone who had doubts about committing to your relationship, somebody who has intimacy or commitment issues will likely to cheat again.

Other factors to consider is that does this person suffer from narcissistic personality traits. Are they low on guilt, remorse, compassion? Do they have difficulty seeing your perspective? Perspective taking? So again, personality variables of that person are very important in considering whether they’ll cheat again. Are they sensation seeking? Are they in the position of power where there is a lot of access and opportunity to cheat?

You know, when we talk about Rock Stars or Movie Stars, the temptations are bound for them with all the fans. So very easy to cheat again and again. So it’s a multitude of factors. Again, was this an ongoing affair versus a one night stand. How remorseful this person feels, how genuine, religious component, moral components. So looking, you have to look at this at from a perspective of multifactorial, all these factors and how they play out.

And another important component is their family history. Are the parents still together? Are they divorced? What sort of divorce was it? Was there cheating, secrets and lies going on? As children often subconsciously imitate a lot of the behaviors of their parents. So again, there is no simple answer to whether this person will cheat again, however, there’s certain things that will predispose them to cheating.

Another big factor that I almost forgot to mention is the premarital history. People who had a large number of sexual partners before marriage or before committing to any relationships are more to cheat. It is simply that they, once they’ve discovered how exciting it is to have multiple partners it is usually difficult to settle down. So there’s some correlation there as well.

But again, I do believe that the people in committed stable relationships should give each other another chance. I do believe in preserving relationships because of the investment, irretrievable investment of time that you’ve put into each other. So I think especially with help of therapy a lot of people are able to recommit to each other and stay together long term.

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The first thing you should do when you uncover an affair is to ask yourself how it makes you feel. Affairs can engender all sorts of feelings, from anger, to helplessness, to betrayal. And a lot of this has to do with your childhood upbringing and your family history as well. Your own attitude about an affair and how close you are to your partner. How trustful and the kind of bond you have. So the first thing is to ask yourself how this information makes you feel. Are you able to forgive your partner? Would you want to continue this relationship? Once you have really thought this through, I think it’s really helpful to talk it through with someone else as well, whether it’s a good friend, a confidant, or a therapist. Because either way, whether you decide to dissolve the relationship or to forgive and move on, it’s not going to be an easy road. You don’t know how your partner will react. You don’t know if there might be some violence involved. You don’t know whether you’ll be able to stay rational throughout this. So I think enlisting a good friend, a confidant, a therapist is one of the first steps you should do to help you process your feelings, as this is not an easy road ahead.

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What is the best way to confront your partner that you suspect is cheating? Well, it’s never easy. One thing I tell people is that suspicion is not enough. If you have just a mere suspicion with absolutely no facts to back it up, it is not a good idea to nag or upset your partner with this suspicion. I think you need to have facts and some documented evidence. And if it takes getting a private detective or collecting more evidence before confronting, I think it’s very important to do that. Because if it’s a mere suspicion your partner may simply hide it and get better at hiding the affair.

So get your facts straight. I would also talk to someone who is impartial and who can evaluate this evidence. Whether it’s a therapist, whether it’s a good friend. Someone who you can share this with, share your feelings with so you can be calm when you confront your partner. And the important thing, when you do confront your partner, do so calmly. Lay out the facts, do not judge, no name calling, and listen. Prepare to listen, not to interrupt. Just let them talk. And I think it’s very important this nonjudgmental listening to be able to elicit as much information and elicit the feelings behind the affair.

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So, what are the warning signs that your partner is cheating? Well, there are numerous ones and in our digital age, the first one would be cell phone or computer habits. If your partner used to put his cell phone in plain view and now hides it all the time, turns it off when you’re around or puts it on silent, if he or she tends to put password now on his cell phone or computer or her, those are signs, of course, that something might be going on. The other sign is sexual cooling off, less sexual attention devoted to you.

Another sign is newly found attention to fitness. All of a sudden working out, losing weight, to clothes and appearance. A lot of times, these affairs prompt people to start paying attention to their outward appearance. And a few other signs, one of them being willingness to run errands and being gone for prolonged periods of time. And of course, any change in habits or routine coupled with all of those signs may be as well a warning sign.

For instance, all of sudden your partner likes a new drink they never liked before. It’s possible that their lover has introduced them to that. None of the signs should be taken alone. However, a constellation of these symptoms may indicate that your partner is engaging in an affair. Of course, a big one is cash withdrawals. If you see those and your partner is not a gambler or addict of any sort or a lottery addict, you may suspect that these money are being diverted on a new lover.

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One if the biggest questions I get asked is, “Should one confess to an affair that is over?” and generally, my answer would be no, unless the affair is suspected in some ways. If the affair is suspected, I think you’re better off to offer voluntary confession. I think that kind of act is definitely more likely to get you points and you’re more likely to then salvage a relationship if you express contrition, remorse, and if you express that sort of confession.

However, if this affair is over and has not been discovered or suspected, I think it’s better to not confess it because of all the painful feelings it will bring up and also, because you have to ask yourself, “Why would I want to confess this affair? Is it because I want to alleviate my own feelings of guilt?” You wanna burden your partner with those feelings of guilt? So, the point is, is that if it’s your own feelings that you’re unable to handle, then you need to figure out how to process them yourself. No need to burden your partner with this. You have to figure out why this affair happened and why it would never happen again and I think no reason to then jeopardize your relationship before figuring all of this out.

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A lot of people keep in contact with old flames. However, I believe that old flames can be very dangerous to a relationship, simply because we keep romanticized notions of our old flames. We constantly compare new partners, the one we are currently in a relationship with, with our old ones. And a lot of times, what we remember are only good things and we focus on the good things. And somehow, when we engage in those negative comparisons, our current partners seem to not fare so well. And so, keeping in touch, justifying it by saying, “This is just friendship, nothing else,” is always very dangerous because you never know at the moment the weakness, when those old romantic flames, those feelings come back and you’ll be able to, then, succumb to temptation, something that’s very hard to resist.

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Is it possible to avoid a fatal attraction? Well, the answer would have to be no, because the truth is, there may always be another partner who is a better fit for you, no matter how committed or devoted you are to the current partner. There’s always a chance, a possibility that time will pass, you will change, you will grow in a different direction and a different you will find someone else more suitable, more attractive, more desirable.

And so, when it comes to fatal attraction, it’s almost impossible to avoid it. All you could do is really work on your relationship. Remember to continue dating. Remember the three As, attention, affection, appreciation, and hope that your relationship will grow and change in that, in that that new relationship will still be satisfying to both of you.