How to Deal with Jealousy & Infidelity

Transcript I’m Dr. Victoria Wilson. I’m a clinical psychologist with a postgraduate degree in sex and family therapy. I have written a number of books, such as “Anatomy of Pleasure” and “The 30-Day Sex Solution.” My interest lies in human relationship, love, sex, and dating. The reason I’m particularly interested in the arena of love, …

Transcript So what is the honeymoon stage? It is that stage that psychologists called limerence or stage of high passion of lust and desire. What happens during that honeymoon stage is people want to have a lot of sex, they’re connecting and they’re engaging in what is called projective idealization. And what that means is …

Transcript One of the ways which significantly reduces chances of cheating and problem proofs your marriage is premarital counseling. During premarital counseling, a couple can discuss expectations and discuss how those expectations can be met, engage in problem solving with the therapist, and figure out what kind of sexual activities, what kind of romantic activities …

Transcript The most common reasons why people seek couples counseling is desire discrepancy. And what is desire discrepancy? It’s when one person has a much higher libido, wants a lot more sex than the other one in the relationship. And sometimes the discrepancy is really dramatic. You know, I’ve seen couples where a wife wanted …

Transcript It takes a while to repair your relationship after an affair. Do not expect your partner to jump right back in bed with you after an affair even if he or she has forgiven you and forgotten a lot of the transgression. It takes a lot of effort and time, and a lot of …

Transcript Well here are the top three myth about affairs or infidelity. Number one, only unhappily married or unhappy people cheat. The truth is as many people who are otherwise consider themselves happily married or engaged in a happy relationship do succumb to infidelity. We’re human beings and often we simply make mistakes. We succumb …

Transcript Is it possible to overcome your anger about your partner’s affair? Well, it’s a difficult question. Anger is a natural human emotion and response to an insult and response to a loss, so to some extent you will feel anger and it’s a natural feeling. What you want to do is not to overcome …

Transcript I generally do not recommend to my patients that they seek out and confront the other man or woman that their partner is engaged with. And there are multiple reasons for this. One, main one, is their safety. We don’t know how people are going to react. You never know whether this person is …

Transcript So what about one night stands, do they qualify as cheating? Yes technically one night stands are infidelity because you’re sharing yourself sexually with someone else. Given the fact if you would never see the person ever again, of course, it’s much more forgivable than an on going affair. Something where you’ve invested time, …

Transcript So why do people cheat? Ultimately, people cheat because their needs are not being met, whether these are emotional, relational, or sexual needs. That’s the number one reason that people give for cheating. Of course, we don’t know whether these reasons are also excuses that people come up with afterwards when researchers are asking …

Transcript If someone cheated on you once, what is the likelihood that that person will cheat on you again? That’s a difficult question. One that requires for you to consider a multitude of factors. One of the most important ones is what is the level of commitment in this relationship. Someone who had doubts about …

Transcript The first thing you should do when you uncover an affair is to ask yourself how it makes you feel. Affairs can engender all sorts of feelings, from anger, to helplessness, to betrayal. And a lot of this has to do with your childhood upbringing and your family history as well. Your own attitude …

Transcript What is the best way to confront your partner that you suspect is cheating? Well, it’s never easy. One thing I tell people is that suspicion is not enough. If you have just a mere suspicion with absolutely no facts to back it up, it is not a good idea to nag or upset …

Transcript So, what are the warning signs that your partner is cheating? Well, there are numerous ones and in our digital age, the first one would be cell phone or computer habits. If your partner used to put his cell phone in plain view and now hides it all the time, turns it off when …

Transcript One if the biggest questions I get asked is, “Should one confess to an affair that is over?” and generally, my answer would be no, unless the affair is suspected in some ways. If the affair is suspected, I think you’re better off to offer voluntary confession. I think that kind of act is …

Transcript A lot of people keep in contact with old flames. However, I believe that old flames can be very dangerous to a relationship, simply because we keep romanticized notions of our old flames. We constantly compare new partners, the one we are currently in a relationship with, with our old ones. And a lot …

Transcript Is it possible to avoid a fatal attraction? Well, the answer would have to be no, because the truth is, there may always be another partner who is a better fit for you, no matter how committed or devoted you are to the current partner. There’s always a chance, a possibility that time will …

Transcript I think infidelity is defined very differently depending on the cultural and sexual orientation. I mean, it is clear that when it comes to homosexual populations, there is definitely less monogamy in a relationship; however, perhaps more honesty. A lot of gay relationships have a lot of outside partners, and it’s something that is …

Transcript I think internet definitely facilitates infidelity in all its forms, from cyber chatting to specific websites devoted to finding lovers, such as Ashley Madison and Seeking Arrangement. So I think in this era, staying faithful has to be a very conscious commitment because there’s so many temptations on the internet from seemingly innocent ones …

Transcript Is there a way to affair-proof your relationship? I would say the honest answer is no because people cheat for so many different reasons; however, certain things do help in maintaining a healthy relationship and insulate your relationship from the possibility of an affair. One of them is, of course, good communication strategies and …

Transcript One of the questions I get asked is, what is the motivation of the other person? The other man or woman to engage in an affair? Particularly, if it’s an affair with a married person. And there are numerous, numerous reasons why a person would engage in an affair with a person who is …

Transcript There is some research that shows that some people may be predisposed to cheating or have what is known as the cheating personality. These are people who are high on sensation seeking or risk-taking. They are addicted to the dopamine rush that comes with cheating behaviors. These are people who are also, for men, …

Transcript Problem with monogamy is that it goes against human nature. From evolutionary perspective, our ancestors gained a lot by cheating. They passed on more and diverse genes into future generations. So part of us are those evolutionary program breeds that lead us to want to cheat. The other problem is that we’re living a …

Transcript One of the most difficult things is to rebuild your partner’s trust after an affair. One of the first things one must do is to terminate all contact with the lover. Now this might require relocation or job change. It might require very drastic changes in your life. It’s very important. I have couples …

Transcript Forgiving your partner’s affair is one of the most difficult things to do. One of the most important things to realize is that even though you may decide to forgive your partner, it doesn’t mean that you will be able to. All you can do is to try your best. I advise those who …

Transcript Most people are under the impression that infidelity always leads to the break-up of a relationship. However about 50% of relationships do survive affairs. The difficult thing is to heal after the affair and it’s not an easy road. It’s full of pain and mutual distrust for many years sometimes. The important thing, the …

Transcript Anthropologists have shown that humans are actually genetically programmed to cheat. Cheating it turns out was actually beneficial for human survival because in the time of memorial having genetic variety ensured survival of the species. Because of so many different diseases and, and such high infant mortality, the more genetic variety one could ensure …

Transcript There is a lot of talk about the seven year itch. That is, losing interest in the existing partner, and developing interests in having sex with other partner outside the relationship, which occurs about seven years into the relationship. Research shows that most people actually develop more of a four year itch. That is, …

Transcript Top three reasons that women cite for having an affair are usually number one, feeling distance or disconnected from your primary partner. Number two, developing a strong emotional bond with an affair partner and number three, wanting affirmation of their sexual desirability. So it’s very important for a woman in a long term relationship …

Transcript There are three main reasons which men cite for having an affair. Number one, is sexual novelty, sexual variety or sexual fetish which they cannot disclose to their primary partner. Number two, feeling that their partner had let themselves go and therefore, they’re feeling loss of sexual interest. And number three, feeling unappreciated at …

Transcript Men are usually driven by sexual variety or novelty when they see coward affairs or infidelity. Women are more likely to be driven by emotional reasons, dissatisfaction in relationship or a desire to test drive a new relationship. A lot of times, women will begin to develop an emotional bond that frequently leads to …

Transcript There are a number of studies that are done on cheating. Statistics show that between 20 to 80 percent of men cheat on their partners during their lifetime, depending on the population studies and the type of study done. About 10 to 60 percent of women cheat on their partners, again depending on the …

Transcript An online affair is sharing intimate information with someone you met online, and usually someone you have not met in person yet. This may involve intimate information about your sex life, about your partner, or may involve sexual or sexually graphic information or emotional connection. In anyway, usually online affairs lead to other affairs. …

Transcript Many people experience conflicted romantic infidelity, meaning they’re in love with both their primary partner and with a new partner. There is a misconception that you cannot be in love with two people at the same time. Of course you can. They’re very different types of feelings. A lot of people feel attachment type …

Transcript Romantic infidelity is the most dangerous to the primary relationship, because it is what we call is an affair of the heart. People who experience romantic infidelity develop very strong feelings for the person they’re cheating with. They may feel limerence, love, desire, passion and a sense that they belong together. These types of …

Transcript Obligatory infidelity is getting involved with someone else out of a sense of obligation. It often occurs in a career advancement type situation as well, where you feel if you don’t get involved with your boss, you would get fired. It also occurs in situations where there’s some kind of role disparity, where someone …

Transcript Opportunistic infidelity is getting involved with someone else because it presents a good opportunity. A benefit of some sort of a career advancement. For instance, Paula Broadwell got involved with General Petraeus when she was writing his autobiography. Knowing that by getting involved and getting intimate with him her autobiography would be more popular. …

Transcript Emotional infidelity is developing a close, intimate bond with someone outside your relationship, the kind of bond that would usually threaten your relationship if it’s revealed. For instance, talking to your co-worker all the time, revealing intimacies about your marriage or your relationship, having a very deep, meaningful connection that would threaten your relationship …

Transcript Infidelity is defined very broadly as anything that breeches intimate relationship contract. So that, if you and your spouse agree to be sexually monogamous and to be secretive about your sex life and then you go on and tell your attractive male co-worker all about how your husband ejaculates too fast, that would be …

Transcript One of the ways to become less jealous is to actually learn to visualize and imagine the relationship loss. Most people are very jealous because they think losing that relationship would be absolutely catastrophic, the end of the world. A lot of times like with treatments of any sort of anxiety or unfounded catastrophic …

Transcript There are numerous psychological treatments for pathological jealousy. If the cause of pathological jealousy, narcissistic entitlement or low self-esteem then we would address those issues in individual therapy. If the causes of pathological jealousy are relational in nature then we would bring a couple in and assign various exercises to the couple. For instance, …

Transcript There are numerous causes of pathological jealousy. Personal causes usually involve low self-esteem or narcissistic entitlement. Somebody with low self-esteem will constantly wonder if they are able to maintain interest of particular sexual partners or if their sexual partners are interested in someone else. People with narcissistic entitlement tend to want all of the …

Transcript Jealousy is not always easy to deal with because it can be negative or positive depending on what sort of jealousy it is. If the jealousy is founded on real facts on a real threat then it can actually be positive toward a relationship. Of course when you’re dealing with sexual jealousy there are …

Transcript Men tend to have more sexual than romantic jealousy. Whereas women tend to feel more romantic jealousy. So studies consistently show that men experience more sexual jealousy and women experience more romantic jealousy. When college students are asked “Would you rather have your mate fall in love with someone else or have sex with …

Transcript There are two most common types of jealousy, sexual jealousy and romantic jealousy. Sexual jealousy is more common with men and that’s feeling threatened that your partner is interested in someone else sexually or may have sex with someone else or may desire to have sex with someone else. Romantic jealousy is something women …

Transcript Jealousy is a perceived thread of loss, of a relationship, whereas envy is desiring something that someone else has. The big difference is that jealousy is often driven by insecurity. It’s often driven by some narcissistic elements, whereas, envy is often based on unfairness. Somebody has something I want. I think, in English language, …